Love-Knowledge Baby

Every day is a challenge and an opportunity.

For someone who has become a “survivor” it’s sometimes hard to trust that your daily life can be filled with joyful moments.  It’s easier to believe bad things, to harbor bad thoughts, and to stagnate in fear which is the basis of all anger, apathy and anguish.

Since I love to laugh, to smile, and to enjoy life, during the worst points of recovering from our traumatic birth, I didn’t recognize myself any longer.  Who was this new person, so afraid, so angry, and so ready to scream?  Surely not the same person who laughed and laughed after hitting a parked car when she was 18.  The same incident now might evoke certain choice words, shaking, nausea, and a screaming fit which would rival my toddler’s tantrums.

The hardest part about all of this is realizing that my feelings RIGHT NOW are my choice.  I can choose to laugh, and think, “At least no one’s hurt!” — OR I could let an incident like that ruin my day, my month, and make me quit driving for several days, living like a recluse in my tiny apartment.

Only I am accountable for how I react to outside stimulus.  When I studied the Stoics in Philosophy, I felt a resonance.  Your honor and actions are YOUR CHOICE.  It’s an ultimate freedom to meditate on.  If you believe that outside influences control your feelings, thoughts and actions, then you are a slave.

Sure, bad things happened.  Sure, I was hurt.  But I’m not being hurt RIGHT NOW.  The trauma and abuse are over and done with.  Only I can ressurect them, and only I can lay those memories in their grave and move on.

Here are some of my strategies for living a life of joy with PTSD:

1. Look for the good.  Don’t focus on bad things.  It helps if you realize you’re thinking negatively, and consciously revise that thought into something positive.  Ex. “I have SO many things to do!” –> “Now I’m gonna get out of the house!  Maybe I’ll find a bargain or two.”

2. If I’m about to “lose” it, I start saying something good (even if it’s the opposite of what I’m thinking).  Ex. “My kid is driving me NUTS; he’s being SO BAD!” –> “Bailey, I know that you’re a good boy, and you know how to listen.”

3. Take chances & get messy.  Let yourself live life.  Avoidant and antisocial impulses satisfy NEGATIVE urges.  If you give in, you won’t feel any better.  At best, you’ll be maintaining the status quo . . . most likely, you’ll feel worse after hours or days in limbo.  Take your friend up on that offer to go out.  Gather courage and be the person who initiates a friend’s night out bowling.  For inspiration watch the movie Yes Man with Jim Carey.

Joy is kissing my son's soft skin as he sleeps.

4. Forgive.  Forgive yourself.  Forgive those who’ve wronged you.  In many ways, the past is gone.  You’ll never step into the same river twice, so why base your life on situations which no longer exist?  Even if someone wronged you, feeling bad about it for long afterward means that you want to waste your precious energy in the pursuit of fear-based action.  On some level you’re reinforcing your own mental cages, and no amount of vengeful thought will make you any less responsible for your own feelings.  (I’m still working on this forgiveness thing as we speak.)

Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were.
–Cherie Carter-Scott

5. Meditate.  Thought itself is a flawed tool if we can’t turn it off once in a

while.  You lower your heart-rate, lower instances of heart disease and other ailments, get some perspective, and gain a real connection to that which simply IS.  I was able to join in a gong meditation that really impressed me, and I’m one of those type-A’s who isn’t good at letting go of thought.  If your meditation is found in a hot, sudsy bath tub in which you can lean back and let all your worries go, then make sure you set aside regular time for that.

6. Be giving.  Help others.  I can’t tell you how much my life has improved since I began taking positive actions for others without expecting

compensation or even gratitude.  Volunteer at a shelter.  Offer to help someone lift something.  Give stuff away to people, and do it face-to-face.  Buy someone lunch.  Hold a door open.  Find a venue where you can teach something that you know without charge.

If you knew what I know about the power of giving, you would not let a single meal pass without sharing it in some way.
–Buddha

I’m definitely not perfect, but I no longer suffer from most of the symptoms of PTSD which plagued me for so long after the birth of my son.  I credit this success to my simple desire to lead a life of joy instead of suffering.  As a philosopher, I realize that what I think and how I feel are very much choices.  I consciously choose to seek out joy, and even though I may slip here and there, I will persevere.

–Leslie